Family & personal development

This essay is the first part of a trilogy on human flourishing. (Although it’s not really an essay, more a collection of notes).

StPauleTheHermitWithStAnthonyTheGreat


“Freedom… is the opportunity for self-discipline”

~ attributed to a French person by Dwight Eisenhower

2016 marked my 10 year wedding anniversary and that marriage is the central pillar of my social identity. It is where family and friendship coincides, and the basis upon which the meaningful relationships I have are developed.

I thought that having children would make me more selfish, because I’d be focusing my efforts and attention on propagating my own genes rather than considering humanity as a whole. I realise, however, that being a parent makes me a role model, and this encourages me to become a better person. It means that when I see distant tragedies I feel greater empathy than I did before. Children mimic behaviour and setting a good example outweighs instruction. While parenting is a selfish act, it can lead to personal development.

I also thought that the circle of life meant that I care for my children because my parents cared for me. And then my children would care for their children and so on. Upbringing passes from one generation to the next, with the gift of “becoming a grandparent” being sent back in return. That’s not really a circle though, more of a straight line. Indeed recently I’ve seen how much support and care my grandparents required, and how your duties as a child revert back to your parents when they age. Providing grandchildren isn’t your ultimate gift to your parents; it is being there.

I believe that the thread of ancestry to descendants isn’t self-involvement, it’s self-realisation, and this essay collates some of the books that I’ve read in pursuit of being a better father, husband, and son. As I move through the 4 stages of life the content will develop.

I. Father

“There are parts of the cultural heritage of a society that are more effectively transmitted through the family.” FA Hayek, 1960, p.90

When both of my children had turned three it seemed to be a real turning point in terms of their development. At three they can (by and large) – talk; talk to adults; sleep at night; dress themselves; feed themselves; go to the toilet by themselves. You can leave them in a different room without fearing that they’ll die. Horizons open.

When they were growing up I organised their photos into these categories: Newborn (birth – 2 months old); Baby (2 months – 1 year); and Toddler (1 year – 3 years). When they both turned 3 I went through those albums and made them a printed collection. 

When they were younger, my job was to keep them alive. To survive. But increasingly I understand that physical development (i.e. weighing, measuring, testing) has taken a back seat to their emotional and mental development. It’s incredible to watch this all happen on a daily basis. It frightens me that my daughter’s problems have transitioned from “Daddy I banged my knee” to “Daddy my best friend has spread a rumour about me and people are calling me names”.

Before having my own children I adhered to Bryan Caplan’s “selfish” school of parenting (which ties nicely into free range kids). The idea is that:

  • Not being stressed is the biggest gift you can give your children.
    • Chapter 12 of Steve Peters’ The Chimp Paradox, seems like an excellent guide to diagnosing and dealing with chronic stress.
  • If you’re the type of parent who worries about good parenting, you’re almost certainly already a good parent.
  • Most of the factors that drive children’s future prospects are outside of your direct control.

Peter Gray’s ‘Free to Learn‘ (for a video interview see here) provides a thought prompting defence of children’s natural desire to learn, and a disheartening attack on the outdated school system that imprisons them. Primary schools aren’t merely safe spaces for jobsworths and nonces, and I have healthy respect for much of the quality teaching that can take place. But perhaps the most important thing you want from a primary school is effective role models, and yet my son hasn’t had a single male teacher for his whole formal education. It always struck me as perverse that the school calendar reflects the outdated farming schedule (the vexing “harvest festival” remains something my own children mark even though the abundance of cheap processed food and global supply chains makes the concept of a harvest obsolete). Gray goes way beyond this, arguing that schooling reflects that type of person we want children to be:

  • the ideal hunter-gatherer is assertive, wilful, creative and willing to take risks: hunter gatherers’ permissive parenting serves well to foster those traits.
  • the ideal farmer [i.e. serf] is obedient, rule abiding, and conservative; farmers’ strict discipline of children seems designed to cultivate those traits… parents use corporal punishment ultimately to teach their children to respect the hierarchy of power.

The question isn’t really what type of child you want to nurture, it’s what skills will be most useful in the labour market that your children will find themselves in. And the point isn’t simply that formal schooling is unfit for purpose, but that it’s actively bad.

By segregating children by age, by caging them in so they can’t avoid those who harass them, by indoctrinating them in a setting where competition and winning – being better than others – are the highest values, and by denying them any meaningful voice in school governance, we establish the breeding grounds for bullying (Gray, 2103, p.79).

(And no, a “school council” or other forms of popularity concept doesn’t fix this; it exacerbates it). 

Tim Harford’s Messy has a great chapter on openness and adaptability, with plenty of lessons for parents. I particularly like the comparison between ladders and climbing walls. Because ladders have rungs in the same direction, and an equal distance apart, they stop our thinking. This is why climbing walls (or better still, trees) are so much better. They require more mental engagement. They are messier, and more dangerous. But since children adjust for risk such dangers can be confronted.

The key point here is that all play is good. Playing is practice at being a grown up, it’s how children learn to be an adult, and Peter Gray (2013) lists 6 main types or play:

  1. Physical play – e.g. tag, wrestling, sword fighting. Trying to pin your kids on the floor to see if they can escape is form of jiu jitsu and develops highly useful safety skills. What I find fascinating is that in the game of tag the thrill is to be chased. No one wants to be the dominant player, in the position of power. It’s simulating a threat that provides all the pleasure.
  2. Language play – kids spontaneously seek to learn language skills, and they do so through playful exploration of sounds (from cooing sounds from around 2 months to babbling when older). Listen to kids engaged in role play and they will typically experiment with different voices. When adults play with language we call it poetry.
  3. Exploratory play – this is how we develop an understanding, and involves imagination and creativity. When adults engage in exploratory play we call it science.
  4. Constructive play – perhaps Bob the Builder was so successful because it drew upon the human need to build – not just shelter but tools and other devices. Is there anything more human, more powerful than fashioning a stick into a sword? Not all constructive play 3 dimensional, because drawing relies on the same skills of generating a physical representation of a mental image. Not all constructive play is physical, it can also be virtual (e.g. Minecraft). And construction is as intellectual as it is manual – it requires as much design as it does manufacturing. (Writing a story is therefore a form of constructive play as well as language play).
  5. Fantasy play – imagination provides the foundation of logical thought, and some of the greatest contributions to economics arose from the realm of imagination. If this is the area where the disjoint between childhood and adulthood is so clear, perhaps it’s the adults who have it wrong. I’ve begun playing some Dungeons and Dragons with the kids and published a fictional story. I embarked on those activities as a way to connect with my children, but found value in their own sake. There is a firm link between creative thought, strategic vision, and sound project planning.
  6. Social play – our survival rests on cooperation, we need to curb impulses and find ways to get along with each other. Role playing is how children put themselves into the shoes of another person, and also prompts negotiation practice. As a professional educator I utilise role playing activities all the time – even senior executives find fun in interpersonal games, and acting like a child can unlock learning outcomes.

The 2020 coronavirus pandemic prompted schools to shut down at short notice. It was a remarkable natural experiment and I was fascinated by the attempt to emulate school. Some of my observations:

  • Both children, my son in particular, seemed much happier. His behaviour improved, especially on a Sunday afternoon/early evening.
  • The structure works well if it serves the kids. Sometimes they wanted to bring the classroom into the home, and have a set 30 minute period for an activity. So we made a schedule and they went for it. But the main reason for the schedule is that it serves the adults.
  • Homeschooling isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. No schooling is a valid option.
  • Evaluation is superfluous. When kids are playing they encounter constant feedback. If one of them leaves a role playing game, the other will know that they’ve failed at the task. If they create a tower of cards, and it falls down, they don’t need an adult to tell them that it didn’t work. Kids often learn through trial and error and quick, immediate feedback is very useful. Having an assessment, at a distant future point in time, doesn’t help the kids. It may be useful for parents, and we need to assess students to assess teachers, but if our focus is on learning then assessments become less relevant. Indeed as Gray (2013) argues, they can be counter productive, “evaluation facilitates the performance of those who are already skilled and inhibits that of learners… with their incessant monitoring and evaluation of students’ performanced, schools seem to be ideally designed to boost the performances of those are already good and to interfere with learning” (p.133, emphasis added).
  • When you see how much time kids actually spend engaged in a learning activity at school, it’s less time than you think. By the time they have all the materials ready, have understood the instructions, and are actually engaged in a task, it’s soon time to put things away.
  • They began a role playing game and set up a tent in the garden. We let them pursue this and they played it non stop for 3 consecutive days. Then they started playing Minecraft. Because they’d had so much outdoor time we let them and for pretty much 3 solid days they were in front of a screen. But then they moved on to something else. Back into the garden, and loads of football. It made me wonder whether at school they are given the solid time required to fully get into an activity. If I’m writing an article I need a few days to think about it, before I’m in the right headspace for concentrating properly. Maybe school is interval training and they crave focus.
  • We had a simple rule – any playing is learning, so all playing is good.
  • Learning can also come from studying, such as reading books and completing work sheets. This isn’t playing, but we encouraged it. And the kids liked it best when we “played” schools. Critically though any studying needed to be followed with application, and practice.
  • My only bugbear was TV, and in particular YouTube. This clearly wasn’t play (bad). But my kids made a convincing claim that it could be considered studying, since they learn from the videos and then apply what they’ve learnt. So we said that if they watch some Minecraft videos, and then play Minecraft, that’s ok. And clearly, watching Blue Peter, or other educational shows on TV is wholesome. But it’s clear to me, as an adult, that most TV that I watch is mindless entertainment. It’s pure leisure, used to unwind. So literally the only activity I nagged them not to do was to watch shit TV. (And yet I should respect their preferences, be humble as to whether I can identify the point of certain shows, and acknowledge that their school’s response to the lockdown was to massively increase expected screen time). Perhaps the following checklist can be used: Are you learning something? Is it age appropriate? Are you enjoying it?

When the kids are getting fractious with each other it can be hard to encourage them to play nicely together. One strategy I take is to interject myself as a nuisance, and provide them with an even bigger problem. Since goal harmony beats team harmony, their behaviour improves. (Think about any Hollywood film where a group of people who dislike each other are faced with, and overcome a common problem. “Team building” programmes that provide a group challenge is therefore a bit misleading. It’s the imposed goal that does the work, not any improved dynamics of the team). Give children shared goals and watch them prosper.

I also think it’s dangerous to view your role as a parent in terms of a debate between the forces of nature and the forces of nurture. Really, it’s neither, because:

“we can be active agents who in part control how those interactions play out…it is the individual who is the agent of action” (Mischel, p.278)

Whilst Descartes famously said “I think, therefore I am”; we might say “I think, therefore I can change what I am” (p.278). This ties in nicely with my article, “Only Individuals Choose“.

So I believe in self-improvement, and want to cultivate that in my children. But I also recognise that reading to them of an evening is largely for my benefit, and my love of books and reading is part of a far broader set of abilities that will impart themselves on my kids in various multifaceted ways…

We should strive to simplify childhood.

And I don’t feel ashamed of “Dad jokes”:

The sibling relationship is an important one, and only superficially amounts to bullying. I see it more as a form of testing boundaries of love and engaging in counter signalling.

  • To our friends we are nice (with signals such as asking them how they are, sharing our food etc).
  • But with our close friends we take the piss, trip them up, because only friends would find that funny.

Teasing with siblings is the ultimate bond of security and love because only a confident peacock can cut off their tail. It isn’t that we can “be ourselves”, but that we can test elements of ourselves in a safe environment.

Just before my daughter’s 5th birthday I attempted to do the classic Marshmallow Test (see The Marshmallow Test, by Walter Mischel). Interestingly, I failed! I found it too difficult to leave her on her own, and stopped it after just 5 minutes. I then set up a camera for my son (he’d turned 3 a couple of months before) and managed to get to 10 minutes. The kids seemed better at it than I was! The test is as follows:

  • Set them up in a quiet room with a bell, a plate with 1 marshmallow on it, and a plate with 2 marshmallows on it.
  • The instructions are: If you want to eat a marshmallow you need to ring the bell to call me back into the room. I will be close by and we can stop whenever you want. However if you don’t ring the bell, and wait until I come back into the room myself, you can have 2 marshmallows.
  • The standard test is for 20 minutes. As mentioned, without a monitoring device I found this unbearable!

Screen Shot 2015-11-21 at 19.59.00The “test” is one of self-control, which is an important prerequisite for independence. But the purpose of the experiment is not really to categorise your child. It’s not about trying to measure the extent of their self-control. It’s more about seeing how they cope with situations that require self-control, and then using that as a basis to develop their skills. (Note that like many seminal psychological studies the marshmallow test has failed to replicate. Variables such as household income may underpin self-control and later performance, and in certain situations (e.g. low household income) a focus on present resources is perfectly sensible. I don’t think this undermines the usefulness of the test, it merely shows that we should exercise caution before making too many causal claims).

Generally speaking, self-control is easier when we cool the present and heat the future. Being hot makes us react quickly to emotional stimuli, and triggers our feelings. Babies are often “hot” in this sense, responding to immediate and stressful conditions. And from an evolutionary perspective this was very important for dealing with danger. The cool system is slower to operate, more reflective and aids rational and strategic thinking. It is only fully developed in young adults, and is not the natural way to deal with pressure. But in situations where you want to exercise self-control, the crucial thing is to recognise the need to move from hot to cool thinking. Mischel mentions how:

  • Create a distraction (my daughter did this by finding a notepad and drawing a picture).
  • Make the focus of your attention more abstract (i.e. think of the shape, or the colour, rather than the feel or the taste).
  • Imagine that you’re looking at a picture, rather than the real thing.
  • Ask what someone else in your position would do.
  • Sing to yourself.
  • Have a mantra.

Ultimately what these have in common is that you’re generating cognitive distance between yourself and the temptation. You can heat the future by imaging the pleasure you will get from achieving your goal. (Another option is chunking. Split an extended commitment into smaller periods with rewards at whichever intervals required to keep on track).

Recipe for ensuring success

    1. Track progress (ensure it’s done in a visible, prominent place)
    2. Celebrate milestones
    3. Use encouraging posters
    4. Involve other people (either as company or for encouragement)

Young children do not have well developed causal reasoning, and this is perhaps why negotiations are so fraught. I try to make clear “If/Then” scenarios (e.g. “if you don’t eat your dinner then you won’t get any pudding”, or “if you eat your dinner then you will get pudding”) and then follow through. I find that if a threat isn’t credible (e.g. “if you don’t stop crying then I’ll leave you here” or “if you don’t tidy your room then we won’t go to the zoo”) your bluff will be called. Writing down an “If/Then” scenario makes me more likely to follow through, and generate credibility.

Self esteem is how you view yourself in comparison to others. Be careful of allowing innate feelings of jealousy and insecurity drive your self esteem. Remember that all humans are created equal.

Self confidence is what you believe you are capable of doing.

According to Temple Grandin, “observant teachers can tell the difference between a massive fear reaction and the calculated use of bad behaviour to avoid tasks the person does not want to do” (Thinking in Pictures, p.175). I must not be an observant teacher, because  I can rarely tell whether my kids are genuinely scared of something or simply trying to get out of a task. Perhaps they’re such good actors because they’ve convinced themselves…

Do our children see us being hard on ourselves and exercising delayed gratification? It’s hard, because a lot of our gratification (in my case a glass of wine and a boxset) comes when they’re asleep. But we should demonstrate it. Indeed the main objective is to make good behaviour an intrinsic goal, so we’re not rewarding behaviour but seeing that behaviour as a reward in itself.

“If you aren’t consistent and are tough on your children but lenient with yourself, there is a good chance they’ll adopt the self-reward standards you modelled, not the ones you imposed on them” (Mischel p.225)

Don’t hot house but do provide a focal point for learning. It’s your job to ensure it isn’t stressful but give them an attainable target and watch them flourish as they rise to meet it. Kids love a goal. 

1457786562-20160312Make sure you set tasks that get progressively harder. Yes, it feels good to iron your shirts for the week and you deserve a beer at the end of it. But are you improving? (No!) This is why playing a musical instrument is such a good means of development – as you get better it doesn’t get easier. The challenge progresses with your abilities. The same thing applies to games such as Lego.  So do things that have the potential for unlimited growth. Then you can avoid the Narcissism Epidemic by focusing on the pursuit of success and not protection from failure.

Even something as simple as a card game, where the skill set involves paying attention, memory, thinking ahead – these are the basic building blocks of intelligence.  A standard deck of cards holds infinite potential.

As they get older, don’t worry too much about screen time. Social media use doesn’t lead to anxiety or suicide, there’s no evidence that screen time damages mental health and “There is no evidence that killing animated characters on a screen increases a person’s likelihood of harming people in real life” (Gray, 2013, p.179). The problem with screen time is not that it’s damaging, but the opportunity cost of what they might otherwise be doing. But it’s only a cost to them if they that feel they’re missing out. If you are worried about screen time just recognise that video games are one of the rare situations where kids play freely, “without adult intervention and direction” (Gray 2013, p.11). Video games are a closer substitute to television than to outdoor play, but if they don’t have opportunities to play outdoors with other kids, don’t be surprised that they play indoors with computers. Interacting with a device helps reading, typing, dexterity, and spatial awareness. Encourage them to play creative and social games, where they interact (safely) with others.

When I think back to my own childhood, there was a noticable difference between playing with kids of different ages outside of school, versus being with friends the same age within school. My best times were meeting new people on campsites or after school “Friday club”. Perhaps the biggest downside of school is the obstruction to mixed age play. Young people gain through observation and seeing what comes next – “part of the natural process of growing up is to look ahead, at those who are further along but not so far along as to be out of reach” (Gray, 2013, p.191). Older children can also provide an alternative to parental supervision, creating space for younger children to shine in a safe environment. Peter Gray (2013) retells an occasion where “I could not possibly have felt so tall if an adult were next to me” (p.221).

Benefits of mix age play to older children: Leadership (and nurturing); Teaching experience; Justification for creative play.

Benefits of mix age play to younger children: Observe new skills; Receive inspiration; Receive care and emotional support.

One way to replicate that is by holidaying with friends, and lots of time with cousins. The best thing to give you kids in the summer holidays is kids of different ages to pay with. Consider whether your child experiences child culture, where the mixture of age groups permits rituals to pass on to future “generations”, independent of adult supervision. This isn’t to say that mixed age play beats same age play. No doubt your best friends will be of similar age, and oftentimes, for many things, same age is optimal. But facilitating mixed age play on top of that can have additional benefits, and giving children the freedom to choose who they play with is key.


Teach kids about moral dilemmas, which “arise when two legitimate moral values clash” (Brooks 2015, p.258). They are not mere dilemmas.

If you have a mere dilemma, however, and can’t decide which option to take try to pre-live them both. Our instinct is to favour our present self’s opinion of what ones future self should want to do. Rather, we should recognise that our future self will be pretty similar to our present self, and if something wouldn’t be enjoyable today, we shouldn’t commit to doing it down the line. “When my graduate students are fortunate enough to have more than one job offer and are tortured about their decision, I suggest that they imagine, as concretely as they can, living life in each job, one full day at a time, as if the job were happening now” (Mischel, p,133). If the prospect of doing an activity in a few days time doesn’t excite you, don’t commit to it in the distant future.

I have two concrete examples of advice I acquired from having read Mischel.

  1. My daughter was given a speaking role for the school nativity and expressed concerns about having to talk in front of everyone.
    • I showed her some videos of me doing public speaking and explained the process by which I learnt how to do it (i.e. I shared similar worries in a similar situation)
    • We practiced in front of a smaller audience of adults
    • We spoke about breathing as a way to remain calm
    • In other words the way to deal with phobias is to allow them to watch someone they trust encounter the problem in a calm, step-by-step manner, and then follow them.
  2. My son would often have tantrums where he’d seem unable to calm down by himself.
    • I took a photo of him and asked him to explain what he saw. This provided a little distance and engaged the cooler part of his brain.
    • When it comes to tantrums – don’t isolate or punish just try to talk them down and show them how to calm down.

Mishel (p.251) provides some dimensions for what constitutes character (which is what we do when no one is watching, or “an engraved set of disciplined habits, a settled disposition to do good” (Brooks 2015, p.53)). I think it’s useful to reflect on whether you can find good examples of each of the following:

  • Self-control
    • Focus on the goal – “I paid attention and resisted distractions”
    • Temper control – “I remained calm even when criticised or otherwise provoked”
  • Grit – “I finished whatever I began”
  • Optimism – “I stayed motivated, even when things didn’t go well”
  • Zest – “I approached new situations with excitement and energy”
  • Social intelligence – “I demonstrate respect for the feelings of others”
  • Curiosity – “I wondered whether…”
  • Gratitude – “Thank you”

In ‘Cinderella Ate my Daughter‘, Peggy Orenstein mentions a study that compared New Year’s resolutions of girls at the end of the nineteenth century with those at the end of the twentieth century (p.140). This is an example from the past:

Resolved: to think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wonder. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others

Compared to:

I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can… I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes and accessories.

I found David Brooks’ ‘The Road to Character‘ to be a useful resource (although I didn’t like feeling as if he was trying to convert me, and I think he uses economic thinking as a strawman – individualism isn’t necessarily atomising, see my chapter in this). The main conflict of vision that underpins it is whether you believe that humans are risen apes, capable of anything we wish to achieve (and that our pure heart is the best guide to realise what that is); or fallen angels, capable of greatness but constantly having to strive against ourselves.

Our brains evolved for the relevant tasks of survival and the phenomenal pace of technological and social change imply that our instincts won’t always be correct.

  • There’s an elephant in the brain. Robin Hanson’s point is that we are a PR machine for ourselves, attempting to rationalise and explain our behaviour. The “elephant” in our brain is the mental flaws we pretend not to be aware of – the contradiction between what we say about ourselves and our actions. Revealed preference can go a long way.
  • There’s a chimp in the brain. Steve Peters uses a nice analogy of how the “chimp” part of our brain, responsible for survival, can dominate our “computer” and “human” parts. The chimp is geared toward quick, clear, emotional decisions with little regard for long term implications. We can tell if the chimp is in control if we’re doing things we don’t want to do or feeling things we don’t wish to feel. The problem is that chimps are quicker and stronger than humans so in real time we can’t wrestle control. Instead, we need to put systems in place that reduce the chimp’s impact. The chimp isn’t us, we don’t have to follow it.
    • Let the chimp out every now and then, speak honestly and openly in a conducive environment.
    • Box it – rationalise your behaviour and train the chimp to accept the human point of view
    • Reward it – bribe the chimp to let you complete a task with the offer a future treat.
    • Distract it – engage in an activity (e.g. counting to 10) to give your human time to get involved.

According to Kurt Hahn, founder of Gordonstoun, there were 6 societal ills:

  • Lack of physical fitness
  • Decline of initiative and enterprise
  • Decline of imagination
  • Decline of craftsmanship
  • Decline of self-discipline
  • Decline of compassion

If you aim to please others, or to win, you are destined to fail. The best aim in life is personal excellence, which means “doing your best, regardless of the standard that you achieve” (Peters, 2012, p.261). Personal excellence is always achievable, but never a given. Doing your best is different to achieving your best. You can fall short of an attainable goal, but if you do so make sure it’s due to bad luck or the excellence of others, and not through a lack of planning and commitment. If you don’t do your best, you’re not trying.  Your confidence should stem on the parts you control, and not on the outcome. When you take an exam you can place your confidence on the fact that you will do your best. That’s better than placing your confidence on your ability to get a high score. The former can relax and calm you. The latter will drive anxiety and fear.

II. Husband

Marriages are exposures. We may be heroes to our spouses but we may not be idols. [Leon Wieseltier’s wedding toast to Cass Sunstein and Samantha Power (see Brooks 2016, p.176)]

  • Follow the strengths of your resume virtues – what it says on a CV
  • Focus on the weaknesses of your eulogy virtues – what people would say at a funeral

I’m sympathetic to the concept of the “mental load”, as explained here. The gist is that husbands may believe that they share in the workload by offering to help, but this reinforces the view that it is the wife’s responsibility to organise. But in the same way that free-riding can often be at route a disagreement about the value of the task, we should avoid the assumption that there’s a fixed amount of “work” that needs doing. In other words a prior conversation needs to occur about whether an activity needs to take place. And if it does, an agreement about roles and responsibilities. This is crucial because otherwise an attempt to share the mental load may in fact duplicates it. The key factors are:

  • Develop better routines – to paraphrase WH Auden, routines are not monotony they are in fact a sign of ambition. They “provide the scaffolding with which you can build your best life” (Tim Farris).
  • Better communication. Talk about where you are on the love map.

Remember that romance is cheap. I was reading a list of the most romantic holiday destinations and one mentioned Paris,

… it’s not known as the City of Love for nothing. Grab a baguette, some Brie, and a bottle of wine, and have a romantic picnic by the Seine – yes, drinking outside is legal.

So that was our 10th wedding anniversary (albeit followed by a trip to the Caveau de la huchette).

Read novels: they refine our ability to understand other people and enlarge our experiences.

Don’t read novels: they turn us into psychopaths.

I think I’m a better husband when I am alert, relaxed, and communicating well. To improve these things I find value in the following:

  1. Have sleep plan. Nothing prepares you for the tiredness of being a parent, and when we had two children both under two I felt permanently knackered. Being tired makes one irritable and unable to think clearly. A sleep plan will always be far easier for men to achieve than women (because they tend to be the first responders) but a sleep plan meant that I now enjoy getting up before 8am. It has become a normal part of my routine and this has helped massively. (If you struggled to wake up early, The Chimp Paradox has good advice on how to get out of bed. It involves the distraction of a countdown that links voice to action. So, for example, on 5 you wiggle your toes, on 4 draw back the sheets, on 3 sit up, on 2 get out of bed, on 1 raise two hands in triumph. “Reasoning with the Chimp about getting out of bed generally doesn’t work. Blocking the Chimp from thinking can be used in a lot of different scenarios with good effect” (Peters, 2012, p.66)).
  2. Don’t commute. As Eli Dourado reports: “In a survey, Kahneman and Krueger find that commuting is one of our most unpleasant experiences. Happiness research suggests that although you can adapt to most negative shocks in your life, you can’t adapt to a long commute. Long commuters are more likely to divorce and less likely to exercise. Adding 20 minutes to your commute leads to as much job dissatisfaction as a 19-percent pay cut.”
  3. Mindfulness. The basic principle is highly compatible with being a secular hermit and I try to find time for sporadic meditation. I like the Headspace app so much I no longer feel that I need it. Diet and exercise is also crucial for this.
  4. Understand the distinction between introverts and extrovertsSusan Cain’s book on introversion has had a big impact on me, and Chapter 10 focuses on the communication gap between different personality types. What I found especially useful is instead of debating which activities to do, talk about what it is about a specific activity you do or do not enjoy. This opens up the potential for modifying an activity in a way that makes it mutually tolerable (or perhaps even beneficial). The example in the book is that Greg is outgoing and Emily is more pensive. He wants regular big dinner parties with lots of guests, and she wants a quiet night in. Their solution is to hold an event only once a month; with buffet style food (i.e. not sit down); and Emily isn’t obliged to mingle. A regular date night is a good communication facilitator because it involves alcohol but doesn’t involve children. (David Freeman has written a great article on his experience in a leadership position at the ONS, as an introvert).
  5. Find a vocation – which is a “problem addressed by an activity you intrinsically enjoy”. You don’t find that by looking within and finding your own passion, you must look without and consider what life wants from us (see Brooks, 2015 p.266)
  6. Have a purpose. The simply act of starting each day with a short written list of objectives  gives you direction and a sense of achievement. Ensure your purpose is aligned, or better still, shared with your partner.
  7. Don’t attribute bad intentions.
  8. Take time for each other. It’s easy to be busy but being busy is a decision. We make time for priorities (note we don’t “find” time) and should treat the most important people as a priority. Be careful about making your partner the residual claimant for your time. Most of us run out of time.
  9. Consider accelerators and brakes. Adding accelerators won’t work if the problem is the brake

The four red flags of a relationship are:

  • Criticism
  • Contempt
  • Defensiveness
  • Stonewalling

Be wary of depression, “hunger leads to eating and satiety, fear leads to flight, lust leads to sex. But sorrow is an exception. Sorrow doesn’t direct you towards its own cure. Sorrow builds upon sorrow” (Brooks 2015, p.226). And according to Samuel Johnson, “The safe and general antidote against sorrow is employment”.

I grew up placing a premium on integrity, and almost seeking situations in which to demonstrate the righteous path. I remember a professional situation where I had a choice to make. One option was to do what I considered to be the right thing. But it would have a negative impact on other people. I chose the former, and commended my courage. However, Brooks (2015, p.160) uses an example from Mary Anne Evans:

Yes, she had an obligation to follow her individual conscience… but it was her moral duty to mute her own impulses by considering their effect on others and on the social fabric of the community…. By the time Mary Anne Evans became the novelist George Eliot, she was an avowed enemy of that kind of stark grandstanding

I used to have a blase attitude towards sin, equating it to doing something “naughty”. But Brooks (p.56) shows a plethora of examples that demonstrate how dangerous our (inevitable) sins are for the social order.

Guilt, blame and regret are important emotions that tell us when we’ve done something wrong and need to make amends. But once we’ve recognised this, and shown suitable remorse, they’ve served their purpose. “Living with guilt, blame or regret is a terrible stick that will destroy any chance of happiness or constructive living. Think carefully if you are using these against yourself and ask what purpose they serve” (Peters 2012, p.266).

Finally, we should complete the Proust Questionnaire over a nice bottle of wine.

III. Son

Always take your job seriously, never yourself

My parents are fit and healthy and I’m thankful. We go on physically demanding holidays and I cherish my time with them. I have seen my grandparents age, and recognise the closing chapters of a life well lived. That experience made me want to learn more about the end.

I highly recommend Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. The goal of modern healthcare is to keep the elderly alive and safe but this is usually because we shy away from difficult conversations about what quality of life is important to them, and what tradeoffs they are willing to make. Because we often delay this conversation until it’s too late, we care for the elderly in an intrusive, expensive, and unsatisfactory way. Some steps to mitigate this:

  • Talk early and often about care home desires (my prediction is that “being put in a home” will become less of a problem over time as the elderly in the future will be more likely to associate care homes with university halls rather than a military barracks)
  • Have a living will or advanced healthcare directive.

There is also good guidance for dealing with trauma (Brooks 2015, p.100):

  1. Show up – provide a ministry of presence.
  2. Never compare – this situation is unique, and it isn’t about you.
  3. Do the practical things – e.g. make lunch, tidy, get affairs in order.
  4. Don’t minimise what is going on – platitudes aren’t necessary, and sometimes things aren’t for the best.

The sensitive person: “just sits simply through the nights of pain and darkness, being practical, human, simple, and direct” (p.101). As Montaigne recognised, we don’t have to learn how to die:

If you don’t know how to die, don’t worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do the job perfectly for you; don’t bother your head about it.

So don’t worry.


Updated: January 2020

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